Alone In A Crowd

Does anyone else feel like that?

A couple days ago, I was packing for camp and now, because time is chronological and things make sense, I am currently at camp. It is one of my favourite places on earth and I’ve been coming for the past 13 years so it’s basically a second home for me.

But, again another thing you may have gleaned from me is that I am a very shy and introverted person. Doesn’t mean I don’t like hanging out with my friends and acquaintances, it just means that I can’t do it for a long time and that every interaction is extremely stressful and nerve-wracking for me. I internalize most of it and just am super aware of all the things and still have a good time but yeah.

The thing is, since everyone is friends with everyone, a lot of mixing it up and moving around happens. I kind of feel like the only one that cares about this but I hate it when people jump around from group to group and have quick conversations that end and disband in the blink of an eye. I can’t keep track of everything and feel like I have control of the situation with all that motion. And it’s not a thing that I should dictate what everyone does but it is a thing that happens that I’m not super comfortable.

Referring to the title, it takes me a little longer than most to readjust when things change and I find myself a little stranded as everyone else seems at ease bustling around. I say seems because a lot of them are probably in the same boat and just covering it up as well. I’ve actually had talks with a few of my friends and they get really anxious and just want the actual camp season to start (this is just the training week we’re in right now) where there’s structure and you know where you need to be and it’s just better. But even thought they feel the same, it just doesn’t look like it in my mind. They can always join a conversation at ease and get people to listen to what they have to say while I feel like I’m just on the outskirts and am too insignificant to pay attention to. The thing where people stop listening to what you’re saying halfway through you saying it is a reality for me.

But I’m probably just adjusting to this type of living right now, after having been basically by myself 9 hours a day for 2 months straight (and loving it) and it will get better soon and I will get to know all the new staff members and soon I’ll be wishing for all the down time we have right now because I’ll be so busy and dead on my feet in the near future.

And I don’t want to just rationalize these feelings away like in the paragraph above this because they are real and it’s okay to have them so I guess this is why I’m writing this. If anyone relates or has tips, I’d be glad to hear of them. Or whatever. The internet is big, it could be a thing that no one reads this and that’s also chill since at least I got it all out in words.