Alone In A Crowd

Does anyone else feel like that?

A couple days ago, I was packing for camp and now, because time is chronological and things make sense, I am currently at camp. It is one of my favourite places on earth and I’ve been coming for the past 13 years so it’s basically a second home for me.

But, again another thing you may have gleaned from me is that I am a very shy and introverted person. Doesn’t mean I don’t like hanging out with my friends and acquaintances, it just means that I can’t do it for a long time and that every interaction is extremely stressful and nerve-wracking for me. I internalize most of it and just am super aware of all the things and still have a good time but yeah.

The thing is, since everyone is friends with everyone, a lot of mixing it up and moving around happens. I kind of feel like the only one that cares about this but I hate it when people jump around from group to group and have quick conversations that end and disband in the blink of an eye. I can’t keep track of everything and feel like I have control of the situation with all that motion. And it’s not a thing that I should dictate what everyone does but it is a thing that happens that I’m not super comfortable.

Referring to the title, it takes me a little longer than most to readjust when things change and I find myself a little stranded as everyone else seems at ease bustling around. I say seems because a lot of them are probably in the same boat and just covering it up as well. I’ve actually had talks with a few of my friends and they get really anxious and just want the actual camp season to start (this is just the training week we’re in right now) where there’s structure and you know where you need to be and it’s just better. But even thought they feel the same, it just doesn’t look like it in my mind. They can always join a conversation at ease and get people to listen to what they have to say while I feel like I’m just on the outskirts and am too insignificant to pay attention to. The thing where people stop listening to what you’re saying halfway through you saying it is a reality for me.

But I’m probably just adjusting to this type of living right now, after having been basically by myself 9 hours a day for 2 months straight (and loving it) and it will get better soon and I will get to know all the new staff members and soon I’ll be wishing for all the down time we have right now because I’ll be so busy and dead on my feet in the near future.

And I don’t want to just rationalize these feelings away like in the paragraph above this because they are real and it’s okay to have them so I guess this is why I’m writing this. If anyone relates or has tips, I’d be glad to hear of them. Or whatever. The internet is big, it could be a thing that no one reads this and that’s also chill since at least I got it all out in words.

Spelling Queen

Let’s take a stroll down memory lane, shall we?

Back in the 8th grade, when the end of the school year still meant watching movies and zero stress, I was a pretty decent speller. (But only bak then. Now I’m horible with werds and kan’t speil to safe my live.) Decent enough that I won my class’s mini spelling bee to see who would represent them in the schoolwide one. The winning word was brackish.

Side Note: my best friend at the time got eliminated from the running by the word sugar. I remember being so disappointed in her.

Anyway, fast forward to the big auditorium (and by big auditorium I mean the gym with a stage on one side and everyone sitting on the floor) with all us representatives from every class from the big grade 8s down to the lowly grade 4s in rows on the stage. I forget what my number was. I could go check my yearbook that has those horribly unflattering pictures documenting that moment in time but there is legitimately a cat on my lap right now so I can’t. I’m sure you’re all devastated.

Insert the really uneventful process of elimination in which we each took our turn and stood in front of the mike while a teacher sitting at a table – with a binder of words and a legitimate bell that they ring when you get a letter wrong and simultaneously bring dishonour on your family – told us which word to spell. Some people asked for definitions and languages of origin not because it actually helped them but just so that they could look cool.

ACTUALLY scratch that one of my words was “kernel” which is no big usually except you know how for some inexplicable reason colonel and kernel are homonyms so I actually had to ask for the definition. And plot twist the definition was like “the leader of a group” or something random like that and NOT “an unpopped popcorn” or “some guy in the military” which are your standard two definitions so I went with the popcorn spelling and got it right.

I remember being nervous as heck since public speaking was and still is so not my forte and literally shaking as I went up to spell my word. I also remember spelling everyone else’s words in my head to make sure I was totally in the spelling zone (I was)

This went on for a long time until there was only 2 of us left and I got my word wrong. But let’s make it clear: I misheard them say probable instead of probably. Which, let’s be honest, is probably the lamest way to go out. Luckily, the other kid, some 4th grader, got his word wrong too so I was back in the game. We sparred for what seemed like forever until I realized what would happen if I won: I would have to go on to Regionals and there would be more people and possibly televised and oh gosh that was exactly the opposite of what my 12 year old introverted self wanted so when my word to spell was goatee I went up there and confidently said “Goatee. G-O-T-E-E. Goatee.” The sweet little ding of freedom sounded and it was up to my opponent to spell this next word right plus one more to seal the deal of his victory.

The last word was tutu. It was a great victory for him and I was quite happy with my second place.

My friends were kind of disappointed in me when they learned of my planned escape from winning but hey, if they wanted to do the whole spelling in front of strangers thing, they should’ve beaten me to it and gotten to second best speller in the whole school themselves.